“You will probably die”: 10 Anxiety triggers, and the nope-worthy worst-case scenarios

Most of the time I feel like I have conquered my Anxiety like a BOSS. But somedays, it goes into overdrive, and it’s all about the worst-case scenarios. I inherited this from my mother. (hi, mum!)

Below is a handful of my Anxiety triggers and the worst-case scenarios my crazy chemical imbalance attaches to them. Don’t worry – this is supposed to be fun. Anxiety has a cracking time with my imagination.

Let’s do this!

1. The invitation to a party (this is a classic)

Anxiety says:

  • No one will turn up. This was all a massive joke on you. Because they hate you.
  • You will make the biggest gaff of the century and it’ll be so terrible that… well… you will be haunted by it for the rest of your adult life.
  • This is a test. Avoid it at all costs.

2. The appointment

Anxiety says:

  • Your boss is totally going to think you’re slacking and question why they ever hired you in the first place.
  • If you’re not 5 minutes early to the appointment, you’re late. You’ll get a hefty fine and a side of SHAME.
  • Waiting rooms… you will probably be judged. That kid is staring at you. YOU.
  • Headache? Nah. You’re probably dying. Also they’re gonna weigh you.
  • Oh, it is just a headache? Well done for wasting the doctor’s time.
  • The dentist is going to be so appalled by your teeth that he’s gonna wanna call a priest. In fact, just sack off the dentist appointment, there’s too much at stake here. Teeth are overrated anyway.

3. The public toilet (seriously)

Anxiety says:

  • The folks by the sinks will definitely listen out for the sound of your pee and judge you hard for it.
  • If you spend longer than 2 minutes in this cubicle people are going to start asking questions.
  • The person drying their hands next to you might talk to you. Talking. I don’t need to explain why that’s a bad idea.

4. The journey to somewhere unfamiliar

Anxiety says:

  • You’ve seen the news. Don’t bother.
  • There is a 99% chance you will have the wrong train ticket and the conductor will give you Hell for it, in front of everybody. Just turn yourself in now.
  • There is a 99.9% chance you will lose at least one valuable today. You’ll get lost and have no phone or money to do anything about it. Because that’s just what happens to guys like you.
  • PEOPLE. CROWDS. STOP IT.

5. The free time

Anxiety says:

  • Despite really looking forward to this, something will remind you of all the things you’re traumatised by. Let’s start with when you peed your pants in Year 2.
  • You will definitely miss out on something amazing here. Probably because noone invited you.
  • You’re gonna over-analyse why you are so damn anxious and find yourself eating a 12-pack of wotsits whilst pretending to enjoy Loose Women. Well done for doing absolutely nothing with your free time.
  • You will probably realise how much you enjoy being out there, being with people. Get ready for an existential crisis. But by the time you muster up the courage to do anything about it, you’ll be dead.

6. The unknown number

Anxiety says:

  • You will probably be murdered by the caller in the next few hours, unless you’re being tormented, in which case they’ll kill your friends and family first.
  • You’re in serious trouble. You’ll get a call from a company telling you you owe them money. You’ve never heard of them before, but just know: you’re guilty.
  • This is a prank call, and upon answering it you will be subjected to vulgar remarks that will make you wanna weep in the foetal position.

7. The knock on your front door

Anxiety says:

NOPE. You will probably die.

8. The window cleaner (no offence intended here, window cleaners)

Anxiety says:

  • They’ll be looking for all of the things they’re going to burgle tonight.
  • Ever seen the movie, ‘The Strangers’? Yeah, that.
  • They’ll judge you HARD. And they’ll wait to see you do something typically odd so that they can tell everyone about it after.
  • They are going to be sociable. NOPE. Duck. Hide. Stay completely still. Not before closing all the curtains and turning the TV off. NOONE’S HOME YOU JUST THINK YOU SAW SOMEONE K.

9. The private message from an acquaintance

Anxiety says:

  • You’re gonna get roped into something, and then you’ll flake, and they’ll think you’re a non-committal nasty bastard.
  • They’re onto you. Whatever you’ve done… or not done… they’re onto you.
  • Any information you give to them will be used against you.
  • They’ve seen that you’re online and want to see how loyal you are – how long will it take for their message to be seen? And then how long will it take you to reply? You know what? Just avoid all social media until they go away.

10. The act of kindness

Anxiety says:

  • This is a test. You must return the act of kindness with immediate effect. If you don’t, you’re a nasty bastard.
  • This is a TEST, I tell you! If you don’t handle this well, they will retract evey nice thing they have ever thought about you (it won’t take them long).
  • They are talking about you behind your back. This is classic high school SHADE.
  • They feel sorry for you. Run.
  • They are absolutely NOT just being kind because they like you.

Well, I feel so much better now…

Got some more weird and wonderful worst-case-scenarios to add to the mix? Let me know! I’d love to do a follow-up post on this.

And don’t worry folks, as it happens with Anxiety, none of the above worst-case scenarios happen, ever.

Peace, love and happy soul searching x

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